Letting Go...

So much to let go of. I remember a moment when everything disappeared and there was nothing and everything all at the same time. I remember the lightness of it and the way everything that is heavy fell back into space when I took a deep breath and tried to 'understand' what was happening. Let go. Let go of understanding. Don't understand anything because really you can't. I know this but I have spent so long in my brain that my body is neglected. I have stuffed all the things that the mind has said are not healthy or good for us to think about into the rest of my body that I am like a house with one clean room only. All the other rooms have been neglected. And my brain sabotages quite well. "Go ahead eat that..." it says. "You only live once! Enjoy life!" I hear it say as I reach for the peanut butter and spread it on a piece of toast at 2 a.m. "Drink!" it says. That is does when it gets tired. Drinking slows it down, helps it lose control for a while and the body suffers. Lately though with 50 years behind it the body seems to be fighting back. After drinking nothing happens to my body. It is in the morning after when I wake up that my mind is foggy and heavy. So the mind steps in and says "no more drinking." I haven't in a while. Yes letting go. I need to let go of the body and of the mind, to exist in that space that is everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe if I can sit in complete silence for a while it will work.

Reflection: I saw my head separate from my body. My head was clean, bright and busy. My body was a wasteland, filled with all the feelings, the food, the junk that the mind doesn't have a need to work through. Maybe the mind doesn't have the capability to work through that. In the beginning of the writing I talk about that moment when everything disappeared. It was at a time when I was just sitting doing nothing. It will take time but I see clearly that I must find a space and a time to do that. I may not be able to do that at home at first but I could go to the yoga place down the street.